I love puns. Sometimes I love them enough to take part in competitions. Here are some of my prepared pun pieces.

Brexit in 30 Puns

A couple of weeks ago, the UK held a referendum on whether or not to leave the European Union. On June 23rd, over 30 million people took a poll and at the end of the day, it was time to check the public vote, 'e tally up the ballots and “leave” had 52% of the vote. After the results came in, the UK stock market, at the sound of the bell, jumped the shark a little bit, it took a hell of a pounding.

I was shocked, watching all of the TV pundits speculate about how this could happen; from their cozy studios in London they couldn’t make any sense out of it. Meanwales, up in the north of England, the BBC was interviewing a woman in Liverpool. She said "there's absolutely norr way that we're staying in the EU" which was a pretty common sentiment despite the fact that many people up there don't have jobs and are going hungry. I think a lot of them see the EU as this huge monolith. “You ain’ ‘ere to see how bad it is” one man was reported to have said, “we all feel very claustriaphobic up ‘ere”.

I didn’t actually vote, but maybe I should have, it malta made a difference, although probably not. It's really easy to vote remotely, you just fill out an online application to vote by post, get the ballot in the mail and den mark whichever box you want.

So, Britain is leaving the EU. Almost every expert is telling us we done fucked up, it's gonna be a humongous pain in the ass, and that there are probably some uh, stone, uh, times ahead. Many people were upset about the result, and a lot of ire landed at the feet of the politicians.

I was reading about all of this on my phone while walking from work to my flat via McDonalds to grab some dinner. As I was crossing the street, a dolphin landed on my head which was weird. A dolphin nether lands on my head normally. Must be a sign of the end times. I can tell that some of you are judging me for going to McDonalds when there are so many better options out there. Look, some burgers are better than others, no argument there, but sometimes you just want something quick and simple with just the right amount of grease. Plus I was really hungry because this big black bird stole my sandwich earlier. You know it’s going to be a rough day when a crow ate ya lunch.

My friend Chew (his real name is Gary, but we call him Chew on account of how he’s really big and hairy like a wookie), he actually voted for Brexit. I've spoken to him a few times since then and he feels totally mislead by the claims of the exit campaign. Poor Chew, gullible as always. I called him up last night and all he did was sigh, prustrated with how it all turned out. I sais to him, "You 'kay buddy?" He said he was considering moving to Iran. “Why Iran?” I asked. “It’s always seemed a horrible place to live, you’ll be in danger many, many times a day!” He replied, “It's got land, so I can finally raise goats like I’ve always wanted and I can remain near my family.” When it comes to actually following through on things, he’s pretty terrible, Gary, uh he always talks big but never does anything.

So, I'm going to miss being part of the EU, it’s been a fun ride. So as the dolphin that landed on me might say, france for all the memories!

The Problem With Loving An American

I love my wife dearly, and we generally communicate very well, but sometimes it feels like we’re speaking different languages. People from America claim that they speak English, but in reality they speak Engl/ish/.

I have this huge chip on my shoulder about your word for crisps, and your word for chips really frightens me. I do find it pretty kooky that you have a different word for a biscuit, but whenever I have to say the American word for aubergine it feels like I have had a large egg planted in my mouth. Just the other day I almost got embroiled in an argument about the proper term for grilling food.

Last week I was sitting in the car, melting with frustration at how you pronounce caramel, and I started getting all sweatery over your word for a jumper. It got so bad I even got a heat rash because of what you call your rubbish, so I had to go outside, walk around on the pavement.

I was starting to feel better until I came to a pedestrian crossing and then I remembered that you have a different name for that too! So there I was, feeling cross, walking across the road when I felt really exhausted. So I stopped, put my hands on my trousers and I just started pantsing for breath.

Most of the time it doesn’t actually bother me, but to be honest I have to get high way too often when I think about what you call a motorway, hearing your word for the boot of car always make me feel like I need to get trunk, remembering the American word for petrol always makes me gasp, and don’t even get me started on what you call a lorry, that’s just trucking stupid.

I find it momstrous how you guys refer to your mothers.

I have to suspenders my disbelief about what you call braces.

Hearing the American word for a flat makes me feel like I’ve been cast in play, given a part meant for someone else.

If I have to hear one more American person use the wrong word for football I’m going to climb up the Statue of Liberty and sock her in the mouth.

Usually it feels like the distance between our languages is only an inch, but your word for garden makes it feel more like we’re yards apart.

But it’s not just that you have different words for things, I’ve lived here for over a year and I still can’t figure out why you pronounce route so wrong. It’s also hard to zee why you can’t say the last letter of the alphabet properly.

And the worst thing of all is how you simply just take the letter U out of so many words. There’s no U in colour, honour, favour, humour, labour or neighbour. But honey, I promise I will always put the U in I love you.